Star Trek

[jade_sabre]

although I am seriously tempted to turn this into my Enchanted rant because srsly y'all I just can't bring myself to love that movie EDWARD DESERVED BETTER OKAY maybe I would love it more if a) I cared about Robert a.5) I didn't get so upset at the way they just dump Nancy I mean Edward had only known Giselle for a day fine but Nancy had been waiting on that ring for HOW LONG? and b) I didn't love Sleeping Beauty so much you know what? I AM PERFECTLY HAPPY WITH THE PRINCE SAVING THE GIRL. AND WITH THE GUY AND THE GIRL GETTING TOGETHER. It's ridiculous, of course, but it's also quite lovely. P.S. I care more about what happens to Edward than I do about what happens to Robert.

Anyway that's not even a taste of the Enchanted rant (part of me wants to investigate how to turn said rant into an academic article, but anyway), this is the Star Trek post! 'cause I went to see it today! With my family! First we were going to go see it at 3:15, but then like WHOA THE SCREEN, IT WAS SO BIG and there was only room for us on like the second row and MY EYES, THEY DON'T SEE THE WAY THEY NEED TO for sitting that close. Malone and Mum were actually heading towards motion sickness, sooooooooo we went to a later showing instead. And frankly we still sat a little too close for that one too, but oh well, at least I could watch it. Also

Dear Movie Theatres of America,
There are still some people in this world who have sensitive ears and who haven't blown them out listening to iPods and who really don't like having them pounded for two straight hours because of unnecessarily high decibles.
Love,
Jade

yes I am an old woman shut up.

ANYWAY THE MOVIE.

I am so frickin' conflicted by this movie. I will admit I was spoiled a bit going into it--I read an article talking about Uhura's inherent eye-candy-ness, and other things like the fact that Romulans were involved (say quoi?) and time travel (seriously?), and that J.J. Abrams really liked using the sparkle effect (he wants to dazzle us with the future I guess). Oh, and as I was going into the theatre I ran into a friend of mine leaving the theatre, and he said, "Just remember the following: black hole sauce." And then oh yeah Irrel scared the living crap out of me with her Spock/Uhura-child-fanart (OMGWTFBBQSPQRCHTOQUOIHUH).

So out of all that, I came out of the theatre going, 1) Uhura was the chick who avoided all the making-out-[with-Kirk]-ness[-unless-it-was-for-historical-purposes-i.e.-first-interracial-kiss-on-TV-p.s.-that-scene-is-terrible-I-hope-everyone-had-their-sound-turned-off-p.p.s.-argh-Spock-kissing] on the original show wtf is her role now. 2) Romulans--oh Romulans. But maybe since Kirk Sr. was attacked by Romulans, they figured out what they looked like? P.S. Romulans get such a bad rap I luff them. 3) It's not time travel it's self-referencing alternate universe stuff so Trekkies are not like comic book fans when they say HEY YOU TOOK OUR BACKSTORY AWAY HUH. 4) OVERKILL, J.J. It worked a lot of the time, but DUDE. SAREK'S FACE WAS OBSCURED BY BRILLIANT FLASH OF BLINDINGNESS EVERY TIME HE APPEARED ON SCREEN WHY. 5) The thing about black hole sauce is that you have to be careful it looks just like ketchup. 6) OMGWTFBBQSPQRCHTOQUOIHUH.

My dad, being my dad, said he was trying to figure out what the story was as we left the theatre. A morality play? Just a science fiction story? But does it work as a science fiction story if you come into it blind? Because I can't imagine this movie being nearly as...well, I guess for me it was troubling because there was a very real sense of THIS IS NOT HOW IT GOES from the very beginning (hey! Wait! Kirk has a sister!), which didn't make complete sense until Spock Alpha(? Spock prime? Spock prime involves, like, derivation. In that case, Zach Quinto's Spock would be prime. So screw you.) explained it, and I still wasn't willing to give it to them until Kirk went, "Going back in time to change the future? That's cheating," and Nimoy!Spock went, "I learned it from an old friend." At which point I went, ah-ha! They acknowledge they're cheating! Okay, I'll go with them.

Except in the end, who really wants to play around in a TOS-time universe where Winona Ryder plays Amanda (which only merited an omgwtf) and Vulcan is effing destroyed? I suppose that is my biggest problem with the movie, because in the end...I don't like this alternate universe. Oh sure, Chris Pine is cute (I'm not going to say hot, because, uh...I just wasn't feeling it. I think he would be more hot in person? Like, if I could stand next to him and really see him, he would be hot. Okay, officially done puzzling ver this), and there's some other fun stuff, but...everyone's lives seem to be worse off here.

Also there's Spock/Uhura. Which, as we were figuring out later, involves fraternization between teacher and student and senior and junior officers. So I'm thinking there needs to be an outtake in which Kirk goes Starfleet Regulation on Spock's ass for that one. BUT SERIOUSLY. SPOCK WOULD NOT okay maybe "alternate universe Spock" would MAKE OUT WITH SOMEONE IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE. And furthermore, IT'S UHURA. And maybe there was some sort of "understand subtext" in TOS that I'm not remembering (having mostly watched it as a child), but seriously? OKAY OKAY JADE IT IS AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE (Rashaka is trying to lure me to the dark side) but but but

OKAY I ADMIT IT. I LAUGHED. AFTER VULCAN BLEW UP (well, okay, first I said SERIOUSLY? when they blew up Amanda because seriously?), AND UHURA WENT TO SMOOCH TALK TO SPOCK IN THE ELEVATOR THINGIE LIFT, I LAUGHED. Because it was ridiculous. And not in a LOL-tastic way. It was Spock. And Uhura. And they were kissing. And it was wrong and ridiculous and I did not enjoy it. And then my mommy threatened to slap me if I did not shut up and let them have their little scene.

eta: also maybe if I had a better grasp of TOS Uhura I would have a better grasp of this but mrgh.

Also I was just really surprised there was kissing. Heck, when Uhura put her hands on his face, I went WHOA because of course we all remember the Romulan/Vulcan kiss...right? Right? *sighs* oh never mind.

WHERE WAS I oh right, let's start going off about things I liked in this movie:

1) ONOEZ WE ARE BEING SUCKED INTO THE BLACK HOLE WHATEVER SHALL WE DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Jetison and detonate the warp core, OF COURSE. Ah-hahahahahahahaha that was brilliant.

2) Hey look they got a real Russian to play Chekov! Except oh wait he's blonde and blue-eyed wtf? Still brilliant.

3) SULU FENCING HEEHEEHEEHE

4) Scotty. And Bones. Probably my favorites.

5) Chris Pine acting wtf a Kirk that acts? OMGNOWAI. BUT AWESOME.

6) The opening sequence! Well, mostly the conversation between daddy! and mommy!Kirk. Learning where alternate universe Tiberius comes from.

7) The scene wherein Sarek says "I married your mother because it was logical" because that meant we were going to get a scene where Sarek said "I married her because I loved her [you dolt]." DID I MENTION I SHIP SAREK/AMANDA SO HARD? BECAUSE I DO. In part because back in the day I shipped Trip/T'Pol so hard it hurt and Sarek/Amanda is the original human/Vulcan pairing, in part because I luff Spock, in part because of the book Sarek, and in part BECAUSE THEY ARE AWESOME.
7.5) They blew up Amanda? Seriously? I hate this sandbox.
7.5.5) Although in the other sandbox they blew up Romulus. I...would like to see some timelining on that (vis-a-vis TNG et al) plzkthxbai. That sandbox is not-as-fun anymore either. But still it is more fun than this one.
7.5.5.5) HOLY CRAP. WHAT IS THIS UNIVERSE PICARD LIKE. Thoughts for later.

8) Um um um...KOBAYACHI MARU of course of course but they still did it brilliantly. Also yay Orion girl roommate except, like, dude, how'd she escape to join Starfleet? What's her story?
8.5) Kirk's general "hey thar bb sup?"ness. LOL.

9) CHEKOV I'd forgotten how much I love you.

10) Um. There were other little things that made me so happy. LEONARD NIMOY duh (my mom sat on the edge of the her seat the whole time he was onscreen it was hilarious) and like real Spock who wasn't making out with anyone and was speaking in his comforting old voice (although I will say Zach Quinto did do an awesome job and I greatly enjoyed his performance--I thought everyone did a really, really wonderful job, in general, though again Scotty and Bones were probz my favorites). Mostly little referencing things, or just general silliness, or the times when it wasn't taking itself seriously.

But ultimately, I think I stand by my original feeling, which was, I don't wanna stay here. Like, okay, they've made up this new alternate universe that they can set other movies in if they want (oh please don't want?), but, like, I don't really like it there. Vulcan's destroyed. Amanda blew up. Spock and Uhura make out everywhere. Everything is super-shiny (although most of the effects were sooper awesome c.f. aforementioned jetisonned warp core I LOL'D). And it's...not-quite-right.

Which is to say, it's well done, and they set out to achieve exactly what they wanted, but...meh.

Would I go see it again? Probably, if other people came and I could catcall with them. But I wouldn't want to do anything else there. No more movies, kthxbai.




IN OTHER NEWS

actually first relating to Star Trek I ought to do a post about movies that "revitalize" franchises and what that means.

secondly MY BIRTHDAY PRESENTS, I NEED TO TAKE PICTURES AND SHOW THEM TO YOU quarkie I am so self-conscious about my picture because like dude how do I explain to my family who's in it but OMG HE'S TAKING HER PINS OUT OF HER HAIR *melts into a giant puddle of goo*

thirdly Carth Onasi is probably my most favorite romantic interest in a game EVER and I want to play KOTOR 1.5: The Game Where You're Revan Wandering For Four Years. Because it could totally link up with the end of KOTOR II and make it all better (Atton you are so totally Dustil in my head it is not even funny).

fourthly Malone is totally with me on the Sam's Town Zutara Movie now if only I had something other than Windows Movie Maker oh yeah if only I had all the episodes.

finally omg so much f-list to read y'all I'm reading and thinking about y'all even if I'm not commenting.

LOTS OF LOVE,
Jade