Artemis Fowl: The Time Paradox

[jade_sabre]

GOD DAMNIT ARTEMIS.

That pretty sums up my feelings about the whole book, as penguinkye will testify.  I loved it, obviously.  It was a lot like the last one in terms of last-minute wait-what-the-hell-oh-God-no-you-can't-be-serious plot twists (and not too last minute, I mean I could physically see how much more of the book there was to go, but geeze).  It is an incredible, fun, fast-paced novel, just like all the others, and the characters...the characters...

GOD DAMNIT ARTEMIS

the characters are, as usual, awesome.  I love the Artemis Fowl books because they're well-written (the occasional comma splice, but you get used to it), incredibly funny (including potty humor which, at this point, has become funny because of sheer character connection), and guaranteed to take you for a fun ride.  I highly, highly, HIGHLY recommend going to the library and getting them and reading them.  Or, heck, buying them.

Also, I still want to know where Eoin Colfer gets all this time to travel and stuff.  rowana, if you ever meet him again, ask him for me, okay?  Or...wait...*scurries off to website*

See, I bought The Time Paradox right after it came out.  I paid $17.99 for this book.  I never buy books wholeprice unless I have a giftcard to (damnit, I did have a giftcard to burn, I just now realize) burn, but I love Artemis Fowl THAT MUCH.  A brief listing of my affections for them:

Artemis Fowl is love.  Just pure, twelve-year-old genius vs. fairy love.
Artemis Fowl:  The Arctic Incident is CRAZY TIMES IN SIBERIA love.  Also Holly is pretty in a black-widow kind of way.
Artemis Fowl:  The Eternity Code was, for the longest time, the last book, and it is such a satisfying last book too, which says a lot for it.  (Also I got it while waiting for Goblet of Fire to come out.)
Artemis Fowl:  Opal Deception was the surprise, the HOMG WHAT NEW BOOK?  It is not as good as the previous three, because Eoin Colfer (who is the author, btws) had a bit of trouble with the two different kinds of Artemises he had.  I have only read it once (versus multiple times on all the others).
Artemis Fowl:  Lost Colony is HOMG SUPERFANTASTIC OMG LOVE.  I was a bit wary of getting it after the disappointment of Opal Deception, but in this one, Artemis is back in all his glory.  I LOVE this novel.

Which leads me to Artemis Fowl:  The Time Paradox

Okay, so I reviewed the basic stuff in the beginning, and NOW I AM GOING TO FANGIRL.  Actually I'm not even sure anyone on my f-list even reads the Artemis Fowl books, but none of my RL friend-fans have finished it, and so...yeah.

First off, no, I have not decoded the bottom.  Maybe I will do that today.

Secondly...

WHY.  WHY CAN'T ANY OF MY SHIPS GET A GODDAMN HAPPY ENDING.  I DIDN'T EVEN SHIP HOLLY/ARTEMIS FOR THE ANGST.  I SHIPPED IT FOR THE FACT THAT IT IS PURE LOVE.

Honestly!  I've been shipping since, well, ever, but especially since Eternity Code.  And Lost Colony!  OMG LOST COLONY in terms of pure shipping is pure love!  And that was just an unexpected bonus on top of the how amazingly good the book was.  Like srsly.  THEY SWITCHED EYEBALLS.  THEY SHARED BRAINS.  HOMG.

And then...and then...

GOD DAMNIT ARTEMIS.  WHY DO I LOVE YOU BUT HATE YOU TOO.

which is probably what Holly is thinking.  Except now she's not a crazy little teenager anymore, she's all grown-up and able to control any passing attraction she might have for him EVEN THOUGH CLEARLY THERE IS NO ONE ELSE ON OR UNDER THE EARTH FOR HIM.  GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.  *sobs into a pillow*

...*squeals*

*sobs into pillow*

I'm so torn!  Because on the one hand, I got the post-healing kiss Zutara never had, but on the other hand, IN ANOTHER TIME, SHE SAID, AND KISSED HIM ON THE CHEEK.  I mean, another time.  That could be, like, two years, right?  I mean aside from the part where...

and poor Artemis, not even realizing the depths of his folly until it was waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too late, oh the poor boy.

okay clearly I am unable to be further coherent, so I will end this and go back to writing fanfiction to soothe my poor fan-weary soul.

Seriously, though.  I lost track of NWN thanks to Zutara, and now I'm losing track of Zutara beneath the love that is Artemis Fowl.  NEVER MIND OURAN.  I'm with rashaka:  this month has waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too many fandom things going on to properly digest them all.  *cries*

Comments

[mysteree80.livejournal.com]

I've read the first three. Skipped your spoilers, but still concerned about your "GOD DAMNIT" nonetheless.

[jade-sabre-301.livejournal.com]

Ooooooooh, you should read the next three. Really really really. If only to be able to make fun of me for my reaction to this sixth one. (Come on, do you need a better incentive?) And none of this "I have Moby Dick next on the line" business. These books take, like, two hours to read, tops. (Well, five and six take a little longer.)

[mysteree80.livejournal.com]

Huh? Everyone knows I hate Moby-Dick.

[mysteree80.livejournal.com]

Also, I very recently started one of your favorite books; but it's way long, so I won't be done with it for a while!

[jade-sabre-301.livejournal.com]

I could've sworn you said something about needing to read Moby Dick. APPARENTLY I WAS WRONG not the first time that's happened.

oh did you? that is so exciting! which one?

also, re: GOD DAMNIT ARTEMIS: it's mainly because Artemis is, as we all know, his own worst enemy, in MANY LAYERED WAYS. So it's just Artemis being Artemis, really. :-d

[mysteree80.livejournal.com]

That's really weird, because I know we've had conversations both on IM and on this very LJ wherein I expressed my distaste for Melville's monstrosity. Before, during, and after you had to read it for class.

And yes - but you have to guess which one! (You have three guesses.)

[pigrescuer.livejournal.com]

*is refusing to look at spoilers*

*wails*

I can't get it because I can't afford the hardback!!!

Stoopid library not getting popular books in straight away. ¬_¬

[jade-sabre-301.livejournal.com]

AAAAAAAAAAAH THAT IS TRAGIC.

wait did I not friend you back? *remedies*

good luck getting it soooooooooon! WE MUST SQUEAL TOGETHER.

[pigrescuer.livejournal.com]

*suddenly realises it's not out over here yet*

Why do you Yanks get it first? He's Irish.

Amazon says it's only £6.50! That's not bad...

[jade-sabre-301.livejournal.com]

I looked it up, and it appears that his publisher is an imprint of Disney Children's books, which is probably why we get it first? I agree, that's REALLY WEIRD.

Also I am jealous of your cheaper prices.

[pigrescuer.livejournal.com]

That's only what? Two pounds cheaper? Not much, really.

I'm debating whether or not to order it, because I don't like having hardbacks as they're harder to read.

(which is why it's good MWT's books aren't hardback. :))

[chaos-harmony.livejournal.com]

Skipped the spoilers, but I read the first three and part of the fourth a while ago before losing track of the series - I should probably go back to it at some point; I remember it being fun. And Artemis! Oh, snarky young geniuses. ♥

[chaos-harmony.livejournal.com]

Also, re: shipping - I was a bit unsure of the Holly/Artemis pairing mostly because he's so young at the beginning (though age is easy enough to forget or ignore at times - God knows I did it often enough for Orson Scott Card's Ender's Game), but I think he gets older as the series progresses?

[jade-sabre-301.livejournal.com]

yes, you should! They are so good. I started reading them...what, ten-ish years ago? And I still love them.

well, by book six, he's fourteen-almost-fifteen, so yes, he does get older. Plus he's a genius. His hormones might be crazy, but his intellectual and emotional standards are much higher (although his emotional ones are also a little, er, skewed).

...okay okay I've been shipping this ship for over five years now, I'm a little blinded to the things that are wrong with it (http://p-userpic.livejournal.com/71133586/9989817).

[chaos-harmony.livejournal.com]

Ha, knowing myself, I'll probably end up liking the ship. It certainly seems preferable to the... random girl that apparently gets introduced later? All I know is that people are screaming canon!Sue all over the place. :P

[jade-sabre-301.livejournal.com]

She's a canon Sue inasmuch as Artemis is--her problem is that she's the SECOND child genius to show up, and is thus less interesting. Really, though, I didn't mind her much at all.

[fathomlesssky.livejournal.com]

I JUST FINISHED IT THIS MORNING.

OMG PSYCHIC CONNECTION!

I'm not going to ramble on too much since I'm going to concoct a monstrous list of what I think of it tomorrow.

Holly/Artemis for the win!

I KNOWWW EOIN COLFER AGREES. I mean, he ditched that Minerva chick, didn't he? (I was RANTING about what the hell happened to her while my friend just sighed and continued reading.)

[jade-sabre-301.livejournal.com]

YAY I AM SO GLAD.

SO TRUE

yay I hope I have not distracted you too much from that.

YES YES YES.

YES. I didn't care that much. I was actually relieved. Because she was good in a side-character, hey-you're-not-alone-better-watch-out way, but she would not make a good main character.

[styromgalleries.livejournal.com]

I've read the first and looooved it! It was so hilarious! Seriously, Artemis's snark just owns!!

I have The Eternity Code but I haven't read it yet. I didn't know the order of the books, so I guess I need to look for The Arctic Incident

[philia-fan.livejournal.com]

Since you asked in Chatzy...

I was under the impression that I would not like these books because they were the kind of thing you have to read when you're a kid or they leave you cold. Perhaps I've been listening to the wrong people's opinions?

*ducks inkpots*

[jade-sabre-301.livejournal.com]

Um, I would respectfully disagree with that? Granted, I've been reading these since I was a kid, but I'd argue that they have an appeal across the board (especially if you're already not adverse to reading "kids" books). I mean, there's fart humor. And it's ultimately aimed at kids (although these later books...well, Artemis's growing up--heck, this last one has a whole subplot contrasting now!Artemis with younger!Artemis that's all about personal change and whatnot, something kids might get but not completely), but they're really fast-paced, and they're very funny (aside from the fart humor--which is part of why I tolerate it, because there's humor for all levels in here), and Artemis is a snarky genius but there's snark to go around. And...I'd give the first one a try. And remember that they only get better after that one. :-)

*restrains from throwing inkpots at you; instead tracks down the person who told you this and tosses at them instead*

[philia-fan.livejournal.com]

Okay, I'll put it on my list!

[anais-ninja.livejournal.com]

I readed it! It was highly enjoyable, but somehow didn't grab me like the others did, ya know? Like the others had me by the balls, but this one not so much.
And I'm gonna have to respectfully disagree with your shipping glee. I kind of hope this is the end of Arty/Holly. I know it needed to be acknowledged, and I'm glad it was, but I don't think it's a FTW ship. I know I'm in the extreme minority here, but I think Arty/Minerva is what's gotta happen. *shrug* I'm a rebel like that.

[jade-sabre-301.livejournal.com]

Yeah. My friends and I were talking, and this one is a LOT more character-driven. As my friend said, "I found myself not caring about the plot as much, but more about the characters, unlike all the other ones." It's really fascinating to go back and read them all and see how the series has developed. *is just DYING to ask Eoin Colfer questions about his writing process*

*cries* I mean, I forgive you. :-b

[gogglesque.livejournal.com]

Hey, wandered over here from havencity and I would just like to say that was some TRULY EXCELLENT SPAZ, MA'AM.

This fandom is small but clearly awesome. :D